So, I haven’t named her yet but I’ve decided she’s a she.
We’ve had the exact same experiences in life, so you know, me being a she and having she-type experiences, makes her a she – right, or maybe not. Whatever, doesn’t matter. She’s guided me through so many of life’s highs and lows and been by my side through it all, keeping me sane. She’s been my strength and motivation all these years.
“We need to sit up; right now.” I swing my legs off the bed; I sit up, feet on the floor, hands in my lap. “We need to stay cool, calm and collected. We need to breathe” I breathe. He sits down next to me on the bed and puts his hand on my leg; near my knee. “It’s just his hand. It’s just a knee. We’re ok. We need to breathe!” I breathe. He’s smiling at me, he says that was great. “It’s ok. We’re ok. We need to breathe.” I breathe. “We need to stand up; right now; it’s time to go!” I stand up and I pull my dress down. He stands up too, he walks to open the door and says “Howzit bru” to a guy sitting at a computer in the next room. I didn’t even hear him come in. He nods and tries to make eye contact with me but he’s a blur, tears won’t stop running down my face. I look away. “It doesn’t matter. We don’t know him. We need to breathe.” I breathe.
As we turn to leave he grabs my hand “It’s just a hand and its ok! We feel nothing. We need to breathe.” I breathe. He opens another door and we walk down a long dark passage. Down some flights of stairs. I let his hand go to hold the railing, I didn’t need to but I did. As we walk out the building, I cross my arms, we walk towards the car. He gets in the driver’s side and unlocks the passenger door from the inside, he opens it.
“We need to sit down” I sit.
“We need to breathe.” I breathe.
As we’re driving he’s laughing at me, he doesn’t understand why I’m crying, ’cause it was great. And it’s not as if I was a virgin anyway. “No it wasn’t great and that’s ok. We’re ok, we need to breathe” I breathe.
Throughout my life there have been so many versions of me, circumstance versions and She’s been the only constant through it all. This current version of me feels so close to her that I almost believe:
She is me and I am we.